“Sometimes what we think is a personality trait is actually a response to an environment that never felt safe.”
Hey friends 🩵
I've been experiencing something so beautiful since moving into my new apartment earlier this month, and it's given me a lot to reflect on.
As some of you know, I recently moved into my own little studio, close to the beach, close to my son, and for essentially the first time in my life, I'm living completely on my own.
And I absolutely LOVE it. 😂
I love waking up and knowing the entire space is mine. I love putting something away and knowing exactly where it will be when I need it. I love having room for my belongings, arranging things exactly how I want them, and not having to consider anyone else's schedule, preferences, or energy.
I love the quiet. I love the freedom. I love coming home and closing the door, knowing that I can simply be.
And perhaps what I'm loving most is: how incredibly safe, peaceful, and regulated I feel in my own energetic field.
I don't think I ever fully understood how important this was to me until now.
A few days after moving in, I was sharing my excitement with a friend in Colorado, and she said something along the lines of, "Transitions can be really hard, but you'll get through it."
Her response made perfect sense. After all, she had recently experienced some pretty significant life changes herself, and she was speaking from her own experience.
And it reminded me of something my husband has said to me many times over the years.
"Transitions have always been really hard for you."
And you know what? He's been right.
When I moved to Mexico and we spent time going from one Airbnb to another, I struggled with those transitions. When I came back to the States during the summers to nanny, staying with family, friends, and in different homes pet-sitting, those transitions were difficult too.
Even earlier this year, when I moved into a friend's home, it took me weeks to feel settled again.
So naturally, I had developed a belief about myself. Transitions are hard for me. Except this one hasn't been. Not even a little.
I've felt nothing but happiness, excitement, gratitude, and an incredible sense of peace since moving into my new place.
And that made me curious.
What if it was never the transition itself that was so difficult? What if it was the circumstances surrounding those transitions?
When I started looking more closely at my previous experiences, I realized how much uncertainty had accompanied them.
Where would I live next? How long could I stay? Would everyone be comfortable? Would the cats be okay? Was there enough space? Would I need to adjust my schedule, my routines, or my needs to accommodate someone else? What if the living arrangement didn't work out?
There were so many things outside of my control, and so much of my energy was going toward adjusting, accommodating, and anticipating what might happen next.
Looking back, I can see how often my nervous system may have been asking one very important question: Am I safe here?
And what's so interesting is that I wasn't necessarily conscious of how much energy those questions were consuming.
I had simply accepted the story that transitions were hard for me.
But here I am, in the middle of another major life transition, and my experience is entirely different.
I feel safe. I feel settled. I feel free. And I think there's a really important lesson in that.
Sometimes we mistake our responses to certain environments for permanent truths about who we are.
We say things like, "I'm just an anxious person," "I've never been good with change," "I don't do well on my own," or "I always struggle in relationships."
But what if some of those things aren't fixed characteristics at all? What if they're patterns we developed while navigating circumstances where we didn't feel secure, supported, or free to be ourselves?
Of course, not every difficult transition means we're in the wrong environment. Change can be uncomfortable even when it's exactly what we want. But I do think our experience of change can tell us something valuable about what we need.
And that brings me to something else I've been thinking about.
The difference between being alone and being lonely.
I think so many people have been conditioned to associate being alone with something negative. As though living alone, spending time alone, or choosing solitude means we're missing something or someone.
And for some people, being alone really does bring up difficult feelings. Without the distractions of other people, we may find ourselves face-to-face with emotions we've spent years avoiding.
But solitude can also be incredibly healing.
It gives us the opportunity to hear our own thoughts, notice our own preferences, move at our own pace, and discover what actually feels good to us without constantly adjusting to the needs or expectations of others.
There's something deeply regulating about not having to monitor, anticipate, accommodate, or respond to anyone else's energy for a while.
At least, that's what I'm discovering about myself.
And I don't believe this means I love people any less or that everyone needs to live alone to experience this kind of peace. I love my family, my friends, the children I care for, and the connections I have in my life.
But I'm also discovering how much I love my own company.
And how nourishing it is to have a place where I don't have to be anything for anyone.
So here's something I'd invite you to consider this week:
- What have you come to believe about yourself because of experiences you've had in the past?
- Could some of those beliefs actually be responses to environments or circumstances that didn't support your needs?
- What does feeling genuinely safe look and feel like for you?
- And when was the last time you allowed yourself to simply be, without needing to accommodate anyone else's expectations?
One of the most important parts of (re)Parenting ourselves is becoming curious about the stories we've accepted as truth.
Not so we can blame our past or the people who were part of it, but so we can recognize that what was true for us in one environment doesn't necessarily have to remain true everywhere.
We can change. Our circumstances can change. And sometimes, when we finally experience something different, we discover parts of ourselves we didn't even realize were waiting to emerge.
Maybe transitions aren't always hard for me. Maybe I just needed a place where I could finally exhale.
And right now, that's exactly what this little apartment feels like.
🤍 Want support understanding your own patterns?
Through my (re)Parenting Method, I help adults recognize the beliefs and behaviors they've developed through their life experiences and learn how to create something different in their relationships and everyday lives.
If you're ready to explore the patterns that may be keeping you stuck, I'd love to connect.
→ Book your free consultation call
Have a beautiful week, friends. 🤍
With love,
📩 Email:[email protected]
🎙️ Podcast: (re)Parenting Radio
