“Sometimes the biggest shift in a relationship begins when we stop trying to change the other person and become curious about our own response.”
Hey friends 🩵
First, I missed you last week! Between moving into my own place and getting settled, life has been a little busy. But I have something I've been wanting to share with you.
In my last newsletter, I told you about a four-year-old I was caring for who had become completely dysregulated. Screaming, kicking, hitting, refusing to cooperate, and struggling to manage emotions that were simply too big for his little nervous system.
I shared my thoughts about conscious parenting, boundaries, and why punishing a child for being emotionally overwhelmed can sometimes make things worse.
But I didn't tell you what happened next.
After that experience, I shared some observations with his mother about what I believed was happening beneath his behavior and how some of the responses he was receiving might actually be contributing to the very behaviors everyone wanted to stop.
And something wonderful happened.
She listened. She became curious. She did some additional research, reflected on what we'd discussed, and began responding to him differently.
She offered more affection and reassurance.
She began validating his emotions rather than immediately reacting to his behavior.
We talked with the child about creating a safe place where he could go when his emotions became overwhelming, and we continued to reinforce that while it's perfectly okay to feel angry or frustrated, it's not okay to hurt people or destroy things.
And when I returned the very next day, I could hardly believe the difference.
He seemed so much calmer, more connected, and more receptive. His mother was responding differently, and their interactions had noticeably shifted.
Of course, one day doesn't mean that every challenge has disappeared or that all the work is done. But what I witnessed was a beautiful example of something I've been teaching in my coaching practice for years.
He wasn't the one who changed first. His mother was.
And that got me thinking about how often we do this in our adult relationships.
- We want our partner to communicate differently
- We want our parents to understand us. We want our children to listen
- We want our friends to respect our boundaries
- We want the people around us to stop doing the things that trigger us
And sometimes, we're so focused on getting someone else to change that we don't recognize the familiar patterns we're bringing into the interaction ourselves.
Maybe someone gets defensive, and we immediately become defensive too. Maybe someone withdraws, and we chase after them for reassurance. Maybe someone is disappointed in us, and we begin overexplaining, apologizing, or abandoning our own needs just to restore the connection.
These responses often have very little to do with what's actually happening in the moment and everything to do with what we've learned to believe those moments mean.
That's why I have always believed that (re)Parenting ourselves is one of the most powerful ways to transform our relationships.
We're not just learning how to manage our emotions. We're learning to recognize the beliefs, fears, expectations, and protective behaviors we developed long before we had the awareness to question them.
And when we begin changing those automatic responses, we create the possibility for something different to happen.
That doesn't mean changing ourselves will automatically change someone else. We cannot do another person's healing for them, and some relationships require stronger boundaries rather than more effort.
But we can become conscious of the part we're playing in a familiar dynamic and decide whether we want to continue participating in it.
So here's what I'd love for you to consider this week:
- Who am I waiting for to change before I allow myself to respond differently?
- What am I making someone else's behavior mean about me?
- Am I responding to what's happening now, or reacting from something I experienced long ago?
- What might become possible if I stopped repeating my familiar response?
The most beautiful part of what I witnessed with this mother and child wasn't simply that his behavior improved. It was the connection between them.
He seemed to feel more understood, and she seemed to feel more empowered. Instead of battling one another, they were beginning to work together.
And isn't that what so many of us are looking for in our relationships? \To feel seen. Heard. Understood. Safe enough to be ourselves. And loved even when we're having a difficult moment.
Sometimes breaking a pattern isn't about changing what someone else is doing. It's about recognizing what we've been conditioned to do in response—and discovering that we have a choice.
That's the work of (re)Parenting ourselves.
And it's never too late to begin.
🤍 Ready to change the patterns showing up in your relationships?
Through my (re)Parenting Method, I help adults understand the patterns they developed in childhood, recognize how those patterns are affecting their relationships today, and learn how to consciously respond differently.
→ Book your free consultation call
Have a beautiful week, friends. 🤍
With love,
📩 Email:[email protected]
🎙️ Podcast: (re)Parenting Radio
