“You can’t consciously parent your child while unconsciously reacting from your own childhood.”
Hey friends 🩵
I have dived back into Nannying again and it has given me a front-row seat to exactly what I’ve spent years studying, teaching, and talking about.
Parenting is really hard sometimes. 😂
And I think that’s an important place to start because it’s easy to talk about nervous system regulation, connection, curiosity, and conscious parenting when everyone is calm.
It’s entirely different when you’re trying to get three children out the door for school, the baby needs to eat, somebody can’t find their shoes, and your four-year-old is screaming, kicking, hitting, or tearing apart the living room.
That’s when all the parenting advice we’ve consumed gets put to the test.
Recently, I was caring for a four-year-old who became completely dysregulated in the car. He was screaming, kicking, hitting, pulling at his car seat and unable to take in almost anything I was saying.
And this wasn’t a child being “bad.”
This was a little nervous system completely overwhelmed.
But here’s where I think conversations about gentle parenting sometimes miss something important:
Understanding why a child is behaving this way doesn’t mean we simply allow the behavior.
- If a child is hitting, I stop the hitting.
- If they’re hurting another child, I separate them.
- If they grab something dangerous, I take it away.
- If they’re destroying something, I intervene.
Conscious parenting isn’t passive parenting.
Children need boundaries. They need structure. They need responsibility. They need adults who are willing to lead.
The difference is where that leadership is coming from.
Because when a child’s behavior activates something inside of us, suddenly there are two nervous systems in the room asking for regulation—not one.
- Their screaming activates our need for control.
- Their defiance feels disrespectful.
- Their big emotions make us uncomfortable.
- Their refusal to listen brings up something from our own childhood about obedience, authority, punishment, or what happened when we behaved that way.
And before we know it, we’re no longer responding only to the child standing in front of us.
We’re responding from the child still living inside of us.
And that is why I believe one of the most powerful things you can do to become a better parent has almost nothing to do with learning another parenting technique.
(re)Parent yourself.
Become curious about your triggers. Learn what happens in your body when you feel out of control.
Question the beliefs you inherited about obedience, discipline, respect, emotions, and what a “good child” is supposed to look like.
Learn how to regulate yourself so that when your child’s nervous system goes offline, yours doesn’t have to follow.
Because in the middle of dysregulation, your child doesn’t need a lecture.
They can’t necessarily take in one anyway.
They need safety first. Then regulation. hen connection.
The teaching comes later.
And none of this requires perfection.
I still get frustrated. Every parent gets activated. Every caregiver has moments when they wish the child would JUST PUT THE DAMN SHOES ON. 😂
The goal isn’t to become an adult who never gets triggered.
It’s becoming an adult who can recognize:
- My child is having a hard time—not giving me a hard time.
- Their dysregulation doesn’t require mine.
- I can hold a firm boundary without withdrawing love.
- I don’t have to make their behavior mean something about me.
- I can come back and repair when I don’t get it right.
That’s conscious parenting to me. Not permissiveness.Not tiptoeing around our children so they never experience discomfort.
And not perfectly reciting the “right” parenting language while we’re internally losing our shit. 😂
It’s becoming increasingly conscious of what belongs to our child and what belongs to us.
Because our children will have their own emotions, personalities, struggles, disappointments, and patterns. They don’t need ours handed to them too.
And perhaps that’s one of the greatest opportunities parenthood gives us:
Our children don’t just show us where they need guidance. They show us where we still need healing.
🤍 Want support putting this into practice?
Understanding your patterns is one thing. Learning how to change them while you’re actually parenting, partnering, working, and living your life is another.
This is exactly the work I do with my coaching clients.
Through my (re)Parenting Method, we look at the patterns you learned in childhood, what activates you now, how those patterns are showing up in your parenting and relationships, and—most importantly—how to begin responding differently.
Because breaking generational patterns isn’t about becoming a perfect parent.
It’s about becoming conscious enough to stop automatically repeating what was handed to you.
If you’re ready to explore what this could look like for you and your family, I offer a free consultation call where we can talk about what’s happening, where you’re feeling stuck, and how I can able help guide you.
→ Book your free consultation call here: https://cal.com/reparentyourself/breakthrough-call
Have a beautiful week, friends. 🤍
With love,
P.S. I'm going deeper into this on an upcoming episode of (re)Parenting Radio, so stay tuned for that :-)
📩 Email:[email protected]
🎙️ Podcast: (re)Parenting Radio
